Post by frostbyte---but I sent it anyway!
Two Drunks
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says
to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at
the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk
friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon,
that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they
come upon another drunk walking so they stopped
him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's
shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third
drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them
and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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The Perfect Mate
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding
on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her
friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light
amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes,
sing, and stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey,
if that's all you want, get a TV!"
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New Guy
The new employee stood before the paper shredder
looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from
his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
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The Gambler
Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after
lunch to go home. He walked into the house and
found his wife Sandra in the arms of another
man.
He started to yell at the interloper, "What
right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know
that I am in love with Sandra and I would like
to marry her. I understand you're a gambler.
Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and
play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose,
I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must
agree to divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make
it a little more interesting, why don't we play
for a dollar a point?"
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Blonde dieting
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor
put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly
for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor
by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did
you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
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Mary Jack and Buster
There was a boss who was told by his boss that
he had to get rid of at least one employee. So
he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees,
Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each
one privately, and let their reactions help guide
his decision.
So he called in Jack, explained the situation
and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose
his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've
got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got
to lay you or Jack off...'
And Mary smiles and says, 'I've got a headache!'
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The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate
shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
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Nuns -- having fun
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest
at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend
off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes.
Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave
the convent for the weekend. "However", he said,
"as soon as you get back Monday morning I want
you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The
first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks,
"What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched
an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven
for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven.
Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She
says, "I was driving my brother's car down the
street in front of his house, and I hit a neighborÂ’s
dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven
for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven.
Go and drink the holy water." The second nun
goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing
quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down
Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives
you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing
so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that
was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy
water..."